Count Me Out

Posted on 09. Aug, 2009 by E.Carmel in Life and Style, Men & Women

I look at my mother and I see the true definition of an independent woman. Her experience with men wasn’t pleasant hence she was left to take care of five children on her own. This meant that she had to work harder than the average since she was trying to fulfil the role of a father, as well as exceed her role as a mother. She always kept herself composed and conveyed strength to those who knew her story.

My mother almost made it look easy, but being independent was far from easy.

The world wasn’t there to witness the times when my mother would randomly break down in tears; or when she would cry out to God late at night when she thought we were sleeping. They don’t know that my mother has high blood pressure caused by her depression. What happened when she fell ill? Who would take the kids to school then pick them up? I know there were times my mother wish she had the option to give up but she understood that for her children’s sake, it was imperative to keep fighting the battles each day would bring.

I lived through my mother’s struggle of being independent, and saw what went on behind closed doors. It was inevitable for me to adopt an independent lifestyle; observing my mother taught me how to do things for myself. However she would always make it clear to me that I should get with a ‘good’ man (whatever a ‘good’ man is nowadays). What I understood was that I not only needed to learn to be an independent woman so that whenever the time called for it, I’d be ready and know what to do but also that I can’t always do things on my own that’s why I need a man.

That’s the message I learnt from someone who I perceive to be a ‘real’ independent woman. She’s not someone who claims to be independent just to portray a strong image like many women do today. For those women out there like my mother, being independent is not by choice. If they had their way, they would be in stable relationships. This is why I find it rather distressing at the amount of girls around my age [21] who ‘label’ themselves as ‘independent women’.

I remember when the Independent Women song by Destiny’s Child first came out; that was the ladies’ anthem (I can’t lie, that was my song!). I don’t see anything wrong with giving props to independent women but why did every woman then feel the need to claim they were independent like it was the new fashion statement?

It was as though that song was glamorising being independent and totally misinterpreting its meaning. The ‘I’m independent’ trend has continued to soar through the 21st century with more and more women jumping onto it. Men must get so annoyed when they hear it because even I do, especially with those women who have this ‘I don’t need a man’ attitude.

I’m all for women empowerment but I don’t go overboard with it. This is why I refuse to label myself as ‘independent’ because it would be as though I am protesting ‘I don’t need a man’. Even Beyonce knows that women do need men; remember she was the one advocating the independent message yet now the same person is happily married!

I’ve noticed that it’s mainly women not in relationships who talk like that so it could be that they are using the independent talk just to cover up the fact that they are just lonely. If so, why do they feel the need to justify being lonely? It’s as though women hide under the ‘I’m an independent woman’ label just to portray a strong appearance. Well I’ve decided not to join the ‘I’m independent’ hype, and me not doing so does not mean I’m weak. Instead, I think being able to admit that I do need a man highlights maturity.

I definitely have endorsed characteristics of independence such as financially supporting myself, so in those terms I could say I’m independent but not to the extent where I demean the power of men. It doesn’t make sense for me to choose to fill the shoes of a man as well as be a woman; it’s hard enough being a woman! So for those opting to be independent, let’s be real now. We would all love for a man to open doors for us and pull out chairs (though guys like that are hard to find these days!) and we would very, very much appreciate the man to take authority to pay for certain things such as the bill for a meal (whoever says no is a terrible liar!).

Now don’t get me wrong, before guys jump on the ‘girls are so materialistic’ nonsense, I don’t believe that it’s a guy’s duty to pay for everything. I think that a woman should support her man and be willing to pay for things too. I see relationships as partnerships, where man and woman work together.

When a man and a woman understand each other and work well together, they become a force where there is nothing they cannot do. Man and woman were put on earth to become one and form a powerful unity; seeing couples like Barack and Michelle just puts a smile on my face because they convey unity. Unfortunately, society has done a fabulous job confusing us. Men are encouraged to sleep around and have ‘fun’ rather than being encouraged in finding a woman to settle down with. Consequently, women have been pushed to be so self-centred and ‘independent’. There is no longer a clear distinction between the roles of a man and a woman in the 21st century.

cmo2 Men and women of the 21st century are confused. As much as it annoys me when women hype being independent, it also bothers me that men have become so complacent. Why are men just sitting back and allowing women to take the driving seat? Why are they allowing women to think it’s alright to believe that men are no longer significant? In my opinion, I think it works both ways: women need to back down a bit and allow men to fulfil their roles; and men need to step up and remind women of the qualities that make men leaders. I don’t want to be thinking, ‘huh?’, every time a guy opens doors for me, or be asking myself, ‘what’s the catch?’ whenever a guy offers to pay for my drink. As for those women who are misusing the word independent, they are really devaluing it’s meaning by using it in the wrong context. Being an independent woman is not as easy as one; two; three. Women who are truly independent have to work twice as hard to make ends meet like my mother did. After witnessing my mother’s experience, I can say to myself, ‘If that’s what being independent is all about, then you can count me out.’